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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27927124">cos it don’t matter to the moon, but it matters to me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/charleia/pseuds/charleia'>charleia</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Coven</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:55:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,317</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27927124</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/charleia/pseuds/charleia</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Growing up with a strictly religious is background makes it hard for Misty to navigate her feelings, luckily Cordelia is there for her.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Misty Day/Cordelia Foxx | Cordelia Goode</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>cos it don’t matter to the moon, but it matters to me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>based on a tumblr prompt: “A foxxay one where misty struggles with internalized homophobia and finds it difficult to accept her feelings for delia because of that? like we see in coven it seems like she lived in a religious environment before, so how would that go?”</p><p>trigger warning perhaps for religious themes, internalised homophobia and stuff like that</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Darkness cloaked the room, robbing Misty of her sight. Her breathing staggered. Her heart thumped violently. “Should we be doing this?” she asked softly. Ethel smirked, softly caressing Misty’s cheek. “Why shouldn’t we?” she asked, “does it feel wrong to you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty sighed and averted her gaze. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Did it feel wrong?</span>
  </em>
  <span> No, it did not, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Should it feel wrong?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Positively, yes. That much she knew. “I don’t know,” seemed to be the safest response. “What if someone sees us?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They won’t.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nervously so, Misty stood up, pacing her bedroom. “</span>
  <em>
    <span>He</span>
  </em>
  <span> will see. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He</span>
  </em>
  <span> will know.” A chill ran down her spine. “I’m scared we’ll anger Him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ethel laughed. “Oh stop it, you.” She grabbed Misty by the wrist and tugged her down on the bed again. “</span>
  <span>Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins, Peter 4:8.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In spite of her nerves, Misty laughed. “I don’t think you are making the point you think you are.” Relaxing slightly, she leaned into Ethel’s embrace. She wrapped her arms around Ethel, ever so cautiously and closed her eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey,” Ethel whispered, nose brushing against Misty’s. “I really like you.” she murmured.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really like you too,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then kiss me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Smiling softly, Misty shook her head. “We shouldn't,” she said softly, desperately trying to convince herself of the fact. Though, in spite of her words, she leaned in closely, nervously hoping that Ethal would be braver than her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gently, Ethel dipped down, lips gliding against Misty’s. Sighing into the kiss, she slid on top of her, hands slipping beneath the hem of her shirt. Misty’s heart rattled in her chest with exhilaration. She knew, somewhere, that this was wrong. Very wrong. Still she couldn’t bring herself to care. Not when Ethel kissed her so sweetly. Not when she held her so gently. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Completely immersed as she was, she had heard it just a tad too late. Footsteps, approaching her bedroom door, the soft creaking of an opening door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What she did hear, though, was the loud gasp coming from her mother. Eyes wide in shock, she looked up at her, quickly pushing Ethel off of her. “Mama,” she said, “It’s not— We weren’t—” she stood up, walking over to her. “I’m so sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shaking her head, Florence Day sighed. “I knew it,” she said. “I prayed that it would pass. I prayed it was just a phase.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Mama, please, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” tears were streaming down her cheeks, “Just— please just</span>
  <em>
    <span> listen.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Florence shook her head, pushing away her daughter and crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m not the one to whom you have to plead. It’s Him who will judge you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But mama-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No more ‘but’s,’” Florence said calmly, reservedly. “Ethel, you should go home. I’ll be in touch with your mother.” She turned to Misty. “As for you. Don’t let your father hear about this, it’ll wreck him. What we are going to do is forget this ever happened. You will pray. You will pray until whatever this is, </span>
  <em>
    <span>isn’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Have I made myself clear?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Defeated, Misty sat down. Sad eyes watching Ethel depart.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I asked you something,” Florence said. “Have I made myself clear?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nodding, Misty wiped her eyes with her sleeves. “Yes, mamma. You have.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t often that Misty would look back to her past, yet more and more often she would notice the scars her upbringing had left behind. Memories would surface out of nowhere, throwing her entirely off guard. Sometimes, she’d wake up in the middle of the night, plagued by nightmares and memories of her former life. Cordelia would always be there. She would always offer a comforting arm around her shoulders or a hug. She would always calm her down and make her feel better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And every single time, it would confuse Misty. It would awaken feelings that had laid dormant for many years. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But no— this wasn’t like that. Misty had decided. She liked Cordelia, of course she did. She liked her very much. She had become her family. She had taken her in when no one else would. Of course, Misty cared for her. It didn’t have to be like that. It had been nothing more than a phase back then. Or so, she was led to believe. There were fleeting moments where she doubted that very much, and those moments, more often than not, were when she was with Cordelia. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It couldn’t be like that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wasn’t that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Was it?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Cordelia had mentioned that she was into women, it had scared her a little. She was taught to not associate with people like that. She had learned that the hard way. After all that had happened, she had distanced herself from her feelings so very far, she hardly recognised them anymore. She had completely shut them off. There was just no place for them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So when Cordelia so casually had mentioned that, Misty had distanced herself from her at first. That piece of information unleashed a wave of feelings that she hadn’t felt in years, not since she was fifteen years old being kissed by Ethel Thomas. Or better yet, the shame that followed it. The disappointment from her mother, the disapproval from her father, from her community. All those feelings of self hatred bubbled up in the most ugly way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t bear it. She couldn’t bear Cordelia being like that. She couldn’t bear her being something she was taught to hate. Did that mean that she was ought to hate Cordelia? She couldn’t do that. She could never. It was easier to distance herself. That way she didn’t have to think about it.</span>
</p><p><span>The change in demeanour hadn’t gone lost on Cordelia either. A couple of days after, she had taken her aside, her kind smile never wavering. </span><em><span>What I told you,</span></em><span> she had said, </span><em><span>that doesn’t bother you, does it?</span></em> <em><span>I would hate for it to stand between us.</span></em><span> A red blush of shame had graced her cheeks. How could she have treated Cordelia differently because of it? She was no better than her parents, whom she had despised because of how they treated her back when she thought she was gay. She had hated them for seeing her any differently, yet here she was. Doing the exact same thing to one of the most important people in her life. </span><em><span>Of course not, </span></em><span>Misty had replied, mumbling a quick apology for having been a little off in the past few days. She had smiled, then, and changed the subject.</span></p><p>
  <span>She didn’t like talking about religion. She didn’t like talking about her past. She had been hurt so very badly. By her family, her friends, everyone. So when her community had betrayed her, when they had burned her at the stake, she left all of that behind. Them and their entire ideology. Though, unlearning all that she was taught proved to be more difficult than expected. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sometimes she would catch herself looking at Cordelia, she’d catch herself feeling things she wasn’t supposed to. Though, who would put her in her place these days? She was free from her community now. She was free to do as she pleased.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But what was it that she wanted?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was on an average sunday that Misty realised it. She had been in the greenhouse all day with Cordelia. They did so every sunday. That day, though, Cordelia was wrapping up early.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Leaving already?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah,” Cordelia didn’t look up, “I’ve got an appointment.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t seem all that excited.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cordelia shrugged, “Oh, you know. Coco set me up on a date, she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Sometimes it’s just easier to play along.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh,” Misty said. Somehow, and she didn’t know why, this news made her heart sink. She didn’t like the thought of Cordelia going out with someone. She didn’t like the fact that she cut </span>
  <em>
    <span>their</span>
  </em>
  <span> greenhouse time short for someone she didn’t even know. It made her feel… What exactly did she feel? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” Cordelia said, as if she read Misty’s mind. “Next week I’ll stay extra long.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty smiled weakly, “Don’t worry about it,” she said, “you just go and have fun.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When Cordelia returned later that night, Misty was still up, sitting in her windowsill. She always loved sitting there whenever she was pondering on something. She looked down, watching Cordelia as she and her date stepped out of the car, how they stood together and how the man clumsily tried to kiss her. An ugly feeling was stirring in the pit of her stomach. She didn’t like this. Not at all. That was </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> friend. What on earth was she doing with them? With a sigh, she leaned her head against the window and sighed. She couldn’t look at this any longer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>What exactly it was that had upset her, so, she didn’t quite know. Cordelia was her friend, yes, but that was all. Cordelia did not owe her anything, she could do whatever she wanted with whomever she wanted. It wasn’t like they were in a relationship. No, that would be crazy...</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Though it was in that moment that Misty realised that that was not as crazy as it seemed. Was it jealousy that she felt? Could that be the reason that seeing Cordelia with someone else made her feel physically ill? For a moment, Misty turned it over in her mind. How could she know? However could she figure out her feelings? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a heavy heart, Misty stood up, changing into her pyjamas before getting into bed and it wasn’t long before she slipped into a restless, dreamless sleep.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cordelia?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hm?” Cordelia replied, as she was brewing up one of her newest concoctions. She put her pestle and mortar down and looked up with a friendly smile. “What is it?” she asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I ask you something personal?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cordelia gave her a questioning look. “Is there something wrong?” she asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No- not really I was just wondering… How did you know you were into girls? How did you know it wasn’t.. I dunno.. A phase or somethin’?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“A phase?” Cordelia echoed</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, it’s a stupid question.” Misty shook her head. “Forget I asked.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a confused expression, Cordelia regarded her, still. “What do you mean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dee, I’m sorry, forget I asked,’”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No— It’s okay I don’t mind. I was just curious as to why you were asking.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty pursed her lips. “I don’t know,” she said eventually.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cordelia smiled sweetly, reassuringly. “You know you can tell me anything, right?” She rested her hand on Misty’s arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So tell me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty hesitated. “I haven’t thought about it in ages, let alone talked about it. I wasn’t allowed. I know things are different now but it’s difficult to unlearn the ideas that were seared into my mind.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There is no hurry in finding yourself.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just don’t understand what I feel anymore. When I am with you I feel things. Things I don’t really understand. I was taught that those feelings were bad so I pushed them down and pushed them down but they’re becoming harder to suppress. I don’t know what to do with them.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I see,” Cordelia said, “Whatever you feel, I want you to know it’s not wrong. I get that with your upbringing you may feel like they are, but I promise you, they’re not.” She scooted a little closer, holding out her hand for Misty to take.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With slight hesitance, Misty took it, fingers tangling together. “I’m just so confused,” she whispered. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, sweetie,” Cordelia said, “You’ll figure it out, though.” She raised her hand, smiling softly as she cupped her cheek. “We can figure it out together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty shuffled, cheeks tinting red at the gentle touch. Subconsciously, she leaned a little closer. “You don’t mind my feelings for you, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think I mind one bit,” Cordelia replied, pushing a blond curl behind Misty’s ear. “There is something between us. Love, perhaps. I feel it too, I have felt it ever since the first time I held your hand and saw your entire story. I have always had so much love for you in my heart. I just didn’t know until it was too late…” Cordelia smiled sweetly. “But I got you back now, we’re together again. And we can take our time, trying to figure out exactly what it is that lingers between us. If you’re willing to.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A small smile graced Misty’s lips and she breathed a sigh of relief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then, can I take you out some time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would love that.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It was late when Misty wandered the halls of Robichaux’s. Most of the girls had already turned in, except for a handful of girls who had been sitting in the living room watching a movie. Quietly as to not disturb them, Misty shuffled into the room, dropping down into one of the empty chairs. “What movie are you guys watching?” Misty asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Happiest season,” one of the girls, Elsa, replied without looking up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Pursing her lips, Misty decided against asking what it was about. Brows furrowed, she watched as the two main characters embraced one another, sharing a loving kiss. “I thought they were roommates?” Misty asked confusedly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Elsa snorted. “Oh my god, they were roommates!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The other girls burst out into laughter. “They’re lesbians, Harold,” Rosie said mockingly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, is this a movie you girls should be watching? Aren’t you girls a little young?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty’s cheeks tinted red, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>That,</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This can’t be too much for you, weren’t you and Cordelia together?” Elsa giggled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I beg your pardon?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rosie paused the movie, amusedly turning towards Misty. “The whole school knows, you might as well admit it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty’s throat felt dry. “I’m not-- I’m not gay,” she said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>that wasn’t the truth.</span>
  </em>
  <span> “Cordelia and I aren’t together,” </span>
  <em>
    <span>that was a semi-truth, at least. </span>
  </em>
  <span>“We’re just-- we are-- I don’t owe you girls an explanation whatsoever.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Geez, fine,” Elsa said, rolling her eyes at Rosie, who snickered. “turn on the movie again--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really don’t think this is an appropriate movie.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why not?” Elsa sounded annoyed now, “It’s PG-13, Cordelia said it was fine!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty crossed her arms over her chest. “Cordelia must not have known how- how perverted it was.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Actually Cordelia recommended it to us, because she is not homophobic and, hello, openly queer.” Elsa stood up from the sofa, “And it’s not perverted, they’re just gay, there is nothing inherently sexual about that, it’s 2020 you’re not seriously being homophobic, are you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I--” Misty found herself at a loss for words. “Of course not--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Misty, maybe it’s best if you just let us finish the movie now,” Rosie said, tugging Elsa down, “Cmon, babe.” Sweetly, she stroked her hair and kissed her cheek.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Blushing furiously, Misty stood up from her chair, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you guys were… You know…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine, Misty,” Rosie said, “I get it. One day, you’ll be ready.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>One day you’ll be ready. One day you’ll be ready…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>The words reverberated through her mind. What did that mean? Did she know? Did everyone know? Was it that obvious? How did she know that she and Cordelia were… Exactly what were they? Some moments, Misty would be certain of her feelings, certain that she did, in fact, have feelings for Cordelia that weren’t entirely platonic. Other moments, doubt and aversion would creep into her system. She loved Cordelia very much, that much she knew, but how? In which way? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Misty?” Cordelia’s voice pulled Misty from her reverie. “Hey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh-- Hi, Delia,” Misty said, pretending to be busy with her plants.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So the girls told me what happened…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty looked up, guiltily. “Oh…” she just said. “Right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Sweetheart, I know it’s hard for you. I know you’re hurting and that you’re unsure of your feelings and that you struggle with accepting them, but you can’t say things like that to our girls.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know,” Misty replied, “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cordelia gently took her hand. “We were going to do this together, remember?” she said, “But you have to be open to me. You have to trust me and tell me what is going on. We can’t let things escalate like this again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty sighed and she sat down on the dirt-covered floor. Cordelia hesitated for a moment, plucking at her dress, but followed regardless. “So much has happened when I was a young girl, You know, there’s a reason why it is so hard for me to talk about my feelings,” Misty said, “For the longest time I wasn’t allowed to feel the way I felt so every time I feel something now that I wasn’t supposed to back then, my mind immediately punishes me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cordelia nodded along “You can tell me, petal, it’s okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty took a deep breath. “Okay...” she said, “So... I had a girlfriend when I was fifteen. Ethel, her name was. One night, my mom walked in on us. She was so mad. She was the first person I’ve ever loved and I never got to talk to her again afterwards. My mom had made sure of that. That was the moment that my family started turning against me. But it wasn’t until they found out about my powers that they banished me. I know they were there that night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry,” Cordelia reached out her hand, resting it atop Misty’s arm. “I won’t ever let anything like that happen to you again. I promise,” she said, “Come here…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty managed a grateful smile, quietly crawling into Cordelia’s arms. This felt good. This felt safe. There was nothing wrong with this. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore the bad thoughts from seeping in. “I am so lucky to have you,” she said softly. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cordelia just smiled softly, brushing the curls from Misty’s face. “You’re okay, we’re going to be okay. There is no hurry, you can take as much time as you need in finding yourself, in figuring out what this” - at this, she gestured between the two of them- “means.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Misty murmured, leaning her head on top of Cordelia’s shoulder. “It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good, sweetheart,” she said, “You get to breathe now. You get to be yourself without being punished for it. You deserve that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Misty smiled, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I never thought that I would ever get to be myself. I suppressed her so far, I don’t even know what that is like.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll find her back,” Cordelia said softly. “Together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wrapping her arms around her waist, Misty pulled her close. Heart thumping quickly, she raised a shaking hand, caressing Cordelia’s cheek and for a moment, she just looked at her, really looked at her. From the gold speckles in her eyes to the curve of her lips. And before Misty could change her mind, before she could doubt or chastise herself, she leaned in close, pressing her lips to Cordelia’s in a soft, lingering kiss. It was short yet so very sweet and so very intimate, it made her heart flutter with unbridled love and admiration. And for just a moment, Misty kept her eyes shut. For a moment she didn’t dare open her eyes, just to relish the moment for just a while longer before having to face the consequences that came with it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Breathing out, Cordelia leaned in to kiss her again but Misty stopped her. “Not here—” she whispered, “I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No—” Cordelia smiled sweetly, reassuringly. Gently, she caressed Misty’s cheek. “It’s okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry,” Misty repeated. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cordelia wrapped her arms around Misty and pulled her close. “No, It’s okay. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> am sorry. We’ll do everything at your pace. Let’s just sit here together.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay,” Misty murmured, nestling in Cordelia’s embrace. “I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you too, sweetheart.”</span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Part two soon??</p></blockquote></div></div>
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